My late father’s abusive language has stuck with me

Gaone Monau | Tuesday January 25, 2022 06:00

My grades at school were mostly c+ or lower regardless of how much I studied. My now deceased father was particularly hard on me, whenever he was drunk it would get worse. He would angrily shout at me and repeatedly tell me how I was wasting his money and that he was fruitlessly paying for my school fees. Moreover, that I was ‘stupid’ and a ‘ninconpoop’ who failed to get his razor-sharp intellectual prowess.

I could write a book about a litany of hurtful utterances he has relayed to me as a result of him thinking that I am a loser because of my lack of academic giftedness. Don’t get me wrong, I love my late dad and appreciate all the great deeds he has executed for me and my family. Though I am now independent and rake in a reasonably impressive sum from my legitimate hustles, I deeply and constantly feel inadequate. I perpetually feel like a loser. Many a time the words of my deceased father cut through my soul like a knife; it is as if the words were proffered a second back. Sometimes I even fall into serious bouts of depression. I mostly smoke and drink a lot to assuage my emotional turmoil birthed from childhood. Kindly advice.

Dear Anonymous

I am sorry. Our emotions in general usually serve to communicate with us at a deeper level. They seek to connect us to our authentic selves and prune any wrong mindsets we have, if any. Your troubled emotions are speaking to you. It is time for emotional carthasis and healing. The first step to healing is always accepting that we are hurting, which you have already commendably done.

The second step is identifying the thoughts make us feel stressed in their raw state. You have given me a glimpse into such thoughts by expressing some of the piercing utterances of your dad rendered to you.

The third step is identifying which emotions our thoughts provoke. In your instance you have already averred that you perpetually feel like a loser and deeply inadequate. A deep conviction of individual worthiness and esteem may occasionally wither. Nonetheless, when such a conviction perennially nosedives, it is an indicator that our souls are yearning for emotional salvation. The fourth step is analysing what your feelings are communicating to you. You continually feel inadequate and like a loser.

How do you want to feel contrary to what you feel? Do you what to feel truly whole, adequate, worthy and like a winner despite every dismissive word that has been relayed to you. I assume this is how you wanna feel mostly, for the said emotions are positive emotions that negate the sorrowful feelings that domicile your inner world. It is my humble view that your battered feelings are seeking to communicate to you that it is time you elevated your thoughts and forwent any toxic thoughts that have been breeding seemingly uncontrollable mayhem in your inner life.

They are also relaying information about your inherent worthiness that is independent of externals. Moreover, that lack of academic giftedness ought not be a death knell on your confidence, for we are all diversely gifted.

Our genius lies in different areas. The responsibility to identify our true genius, hone and harness it till it is fully ripe is vested on all of us by the universe. The fourth step is identifying steps that you ought to take in order to reinforce the positive thoughts you wanna hold about yourself. Such steps entail daily habits that can expedite your emotional healing. They include but are not limited to meditating on self-affirmations that enhance your confidence, listening to or reading inspirational materials daily even if it is just for 10 minutes, going for counselling sessions until you feel more empowered to bravely face your past, maximising your talents and areas of gifting, diarising your emotions in their raw state whenever depression befalls you, identifying positive habits that can replace alcoholism and smoking etc.

• Gaone Monau is an attorney and Motivational speaker on the areas of confidence building, stress management, relationships, self-discovery and gender-based violence. For bookings, motivational talks, questions or comments on the aforesaid areas contact +26774542732 or laboutit22@gmail.com. Her Facebook page is Be Motivated with Gaone.