The pain of losing family members in quick succession

Kevin Mokento | Monday March 7, 2022 06:00

Although he had an amazing will to live, his slender and diminutive stature seemed to work against his resilience and valiant fight to stretch his lifespan.

In my role as one of the caregivers, perhaps the most challenging thing was to absorb and digest the bad news from the oncologist, clear that the cancer could not be staved off. “The cancer has reached its final stage and your brother is too weak to benefit from chemotherapy. For now, we can only focus on managing the pain, and we will do our best to make him comfortable within reason.” This sounded like a horrifying death sentence, only that the date of execution was deferred.

From that time onwards, despite the professional palliative care given, the chronic and intractable pain worsened, and I would often shed a tear of frustration and sadness at seeing the cold stare in my brother’s eyes, eyes tainted with stoic weariness that cried for help. Help that I knew would never flow his way.

Four months ago, only 61 years of age, the sun set on his life as he succumbed to the atrocious disease.

While my brother was buried, my mother was in a nursing home, suffering from dementia, an incurable disease, at its final and worst stage. She never knew that her firstborn son had died. My mother died two weeks ago, aged 81. While she was alive, I often reflected on her life and the prolonged pain she endured, and this impelled me to write a ‘poem’ entitled, Mother! Oh Mother! – I Love You. I would like to share the poem with you.

“Mother! Oh mother! I love you

Only a few years ago, you were so hale and hearty

With a beautifully rounded face

Unblemished face bubbling with a valiant will to live

Eyes bright and sparkling with vivaciousness

Flawlessly crowned by plump lips

And a full complement of gleaming white teeth

Mother, endearingly swarthy in complexion

Glowing and bubbling with infectious energy

Walking sprightly like a gazelle

With a profound sense of purpose and moral authority

Oozing with immeasurable confidence and amaranthine graciousness

Forever beaming with infinite hope

Ever conscious of your rights and responsibilities

Quick to put chauvinists in their place

Uncompromising in your rejection of chivalry

Self-sufficient and loathing to burden anyone Abounding with glittering pearls of practical wisdom

Generously imparting eternal nuggets of intelligence

Beneficiaries too innumerable to be quantified

Perhaps as many as the grey strands of hair on your head

Mother, you must be proud of your heritage

For you have left a lasting impression on all who crossed your path

Your love for children prompted you to choose a career

A career despised by many slobs

But one you pursued with an undying sense of passion

Enduring zest, unwaning zeal and perfervid enthusiasmYou dedicated your entire career to teaching children

Children from diverse backgrounds

Doing so with a steely and indefatigable resolve

Fully embracing them as your own

Not driven by monetary reward

Ever so keen to swim against the raging tide of self-centredness

Compelled by your unconditional love and kindness

Never ever beholden to your title

But always beholden to your legacy

With a sense of fulfilment

You developed an ineradicable heritage swelling with various professionals

A visionary par excellence

You have always been deeply valued by your family

For you were always keen to step up to the plate

Giving guidance willingly and unprompted

But never ever overstepping your boundaries

Impassionately gluing together all family joints

Leading from the front in making your family a stable unit

A loving and enduring pillar of support to all in your family

An invaluable mighty pylon

A huge security blanket insulating all in the family from harm

An impermeable marquee lovingly offering refuge during stormy periods

Always keen to lend a listening ear

And ever so impartial in the way you related to all your children

And then came the herculean enemy

Unannounced and uninvited

Mighty in ruthlessness

Brutally attacking your memory

Gradually sapping your energy and confidence

Eventually immobilising you

And viciously reducing you to an invalid

Sadly, you are now a miniscule shadow of yourself

I can hardly converse with you

You often look at me in complete silence

With a stolid stare, nary a blink

And a face devoid of emotion

Oftentimes with no sense of recognition at all

These are days which pinch my heart with excruciating pain

My eyes are often bursting to the seams with tears

As my memory evokes nostalgic feelings

Remembering how healthy, agile, sharp and smart you used to be

Almost as if you had the eternal right to these attributes

With a sense of quotidian commitment

You fervently imparted knowledge and profound epiphanic insights

Ever so quick to lovingly instill discipline at the slightest of infractions

Peccadilloes nearly non-existent in your vocabulary

What a merciless enemy you are dementia

Invisible to the naked eye but extremely harmful

Like a super enraged typhoon

Or the unrelenting destructive power of a tsunami

Profoundly oozing with boundless negative energy and ruinous vigour

All forced to unwillingly succumb to your irreversible brutality

Heartlessly leaving many helpless victims in your wake

Harrowingly denying them the inalienable right

Of enjoying precious companionship with their offspring

Mother, I helplessly stand in despair

As I see this mighty condition mercilessly ripping you apart. Of course, you are in your twilight years.

But even in the autumn of your life, you still deserve to live comfortably.

I regret failing to tell you that I love you as often as I should have.

In fact, I don’t recall ever telling you that I love you. I had fooled myself into believing that you will always be there. With all your senses fully intact

Of course, I was wrong,

Horrendously wrong

Nonetheless, intuition tells me that you know that I love you

Even if only to soothe my profound sense of guilt

You are alive,

But it feels like you have been taken away from me without warning

As years gradually ate into your strength

I chose to be oblivious to all that

Blinded by intense denial, frustration and perhaps bitterness

Hoping against hope that one day all will be okay

My eyes are welling with tears as I write these words

It feels like you are alive and dead at the same time

Quite a strange feeling

Especially coming from a sane being

For sure, we were not created to go through all this

If it’s any solace to me

For now, the subdued brightness in your eyes bestows a glimmer of hope on me

For I know that I’m not in the worst possible space

At least I can still intently gaze on you

While parents of many of my contemporaries have long fallen asleep

I know it’s not too late to tell you that I love you

And that I will always love you

Mother! Oh mother! I love you.”