Spouses - What do you see in the mirror?

Kevin Mokento | Monday May 30, 2022 06:00

One of his songs that I find easy to naturally connect with is titled “Man in the mirror.” Part of the lyrics go, “I’m starting with the man in the mirror, I’m asking him to change his ways, and no message could’ve been any clearer...Take a look at yourself and then make a change.” This song extols the invaluable input of a mirror in making worthy changes. When ancient inhabitants of Anatolia, now modern-day Turkey, manufactured the world’s first mirrors, they had no idea that these tools would pass the test of time and continue to be prized as a great possession several millenniums later.

Why is the mirror so valuable? For a slew of reasons, not least of which is its flawless capacity to reflect what we are. Each morning, we silently express our gratitude to the mirror as we clean our crusty eyes and rub off drool spots on our cheeks, particularly if we are victims of hypersalivation. This boosts our confidence and empowers us to look forward to another day of life.

All married people need that mirror moment. Life can be stressful and depressing. If we are not careful, we can easily get caught up in the daily hurly-burly of overwhelming pressures and end up building a confrontational persona that can be destructive to our marriage. A marital mirror can assist us in our quest to defeat toxic marriage-crippling elements. From time to time, all spouses need that penetrating inward gaze. It only works if we are objective. Decrying mankind’s subjectivity, a Mauritian writer named Malcolm de Chazal observed, “Monkeys are superior to men in this, when a monkey looks into a mirror, he sees a monkey.” Zero tolerance for self-deception! Everyone has their beauty angle, and if we are not careful, we can fall victim to the phenomenon highlighted by an American journalist named Jonathan Miles, “The angle we give the bathroom mirror is always meant to flatter.” Yes, we can easily position the marital mirror in such a way that we do not see that irritating wart on the left cheek, or those depressing patches of vitiligo on our right cheek. And we can walk out of our house feeling on top of the world, as if our face is as flawless as attractive beach pebbles.

As spouses, we need to cultivate self-reflection, perhaps taking time to objectively reflect on what we did in the past and devoting reasonable doses of energy into areas of improvement. The rear view marital mirror allows us to introspect and make changes that will benefit our marriage going forward. However, what is more important is to proactively take control of our emotions and actions in real-time. In the middle of heated conversations, rather than bank on seeking forgiveness retrospectively, non-conventional as it is, the course of wisdom is to avoid hurting our loved ones there and then. It takes bonafide spouse-material to rein in emotions and intrusive toxic thoughts, which, left unattended, can sadly attenuate the sacred union of marriage.

Let me run through destructive situations that rock some marriages. A divorcee acquaintance of mine complained about a former spouse who was extremely possessive and over-controlling. Spouses who are guilty of this offence might think that relative to drivers of gender abuse, they are a more enlightened and better grade of abusers. But the truth is, such character amounts to emotional and financial abuse, which is just as bad, if not worse. An over-controlling demeanour might manifest itself in the form of eavesdropping and snoopy overt and covert tactics, a worryingly lethal combo that can only erode the crucial trust imperative. Even worse, are situations of incompatibility, where a FOMO is married to a JOMO and the latter selfishly restricts the former from interacting with people outside the immediate family nucleus.

What is your mirror reflecting? Have you decided to go AWOL emotionally? Are you unwilling to connect with your spouse? Do you invest little if any empathy in your relationship? Are you, perhaps because of being the sole breadwinner, or the loaded partner, fond of making big decisions with financial implications on your own, especially in a community of property marital regime? Do you deem your marriage as a going concern partnership or your sole proprietary venture?

Have you taken the stance that you will be unromantic in your relationship? If so, are you inclined to attribute this rather ill-advised deportment to your background and culture? If so, why doesn’t your culture stand in your way when you choose to buy a sleek automatic automobile, or when acquiring a double storey residential estate in a prime neighbourhood? Do you tend to rigidly hold on to a self-focused view of intimacy, which is inclined more towards intercourse and less towards spending time with your mate?

Do you shy away from showering your mate with heartfelt expressions of love and appreciation? Are you willing to enjoy the company of your spouse in silence, perhaps holding hands sitting beside each other on a couch or strolling for fun’s sake? Your answers to these questions would be quite telling, and if you have reason to believe that your spouse is not happy with your attitude, for goodness’ sake, this is the time to take decisive action. Discreetly allow your marriage to be distinctively marked by love in action, not love inaction.

Do your listening skills need to be amped up? Do you listen not only with your head but also with your heart? In listening to your spouse, do you do so with a sense of contempt and ennui, your body language screaming apathy with wild abandon? Do you have the moral strength to take loving criticism from your mate? Remember, as Hassan Kamal Wattoo, a Pakistani writer, rightly observed, “Criticism is a thing to be appreciated when it stems from a place of good faith.”

Are you autocratic in disposition? Is your word always final? Do you barely bother to compromise? During difficult interactions, do you tend to disrespectfully walk away from vital interlocutions, unashamedly and arrogantly dismissing your spouse’s views as piffling ultra-high-decibel drivel? Do you, with a deflating sense of gauche self-puffery, often venture into the destructive lane of refusing to take ownership of your mistakes?

Do you, with geeky gallantry, easily fall into the trap of absolutes, keen to use caustic words like ‘never’ and ‘always,’ when you point out your spouse’s weaknesses? Though you know that marital trifurcation tends to crowd out true love, deliberately labouring under the illusion of strengthening your marriage, are you nurturing emotional intimacy with a confidant or confidanté outside your marriage - “Oankgomotsa” of sorts who can only ruin your marriage? Are you beaming with smiles as you behold your marriage inexorably rolling towards the allegoric ICU?

The marital mirror is not distorted and is available for use by discerning spouses who are keen to bulletproof their union with true love. In his popular ditty, Michael Jackson motivated a healthy culture of transforming oneself into a better person. Not a lousy loser, but an all-time winner who looks in the warts-and-all premium-grade mirror and makes the requisite changes. I do not want to sound like a maven of prescience or soothsayer of doom, but I can confirm that the days of marriages of all people who refuse to up their ante are numbered. Indeed, there are marriages, and then there are good marriages. Choose one, and choose carefully.