Fathers know their place

Bongi D D M Radipati | Saturday June 18, 2022 06:00

Consider that, unlike women, men lack sufficient attributes necessary to carry a child to full term. You could say that men have chests, perhaps a woman’s womb counterpart.

But while men’s chests are good, they are nonetheless not good enough to help in child bearing.

The opportunity for a man to beget a life; the immeasurable joy of witnessing that life transform into a good citizen; the knowledge, through intuition, that henceforth a man will be dedicated to that new life; and the humbling realisation that, in the lives of his children, a father will probably play second fiddle to others, particularly their mother and grandmother l are all crafted into one significant effect l these are mere mise-en-scene events in a bland life. Anyway, so few things of enduring interest happen in the lives of ordinary men as fathers, that it must be hard not to regard this as a form of mocking design!

There is a thesis backed by extensive research which, because of its veracity, I tend to accept – that there is a strong correlation between fatherhood and happiness.

This is not in the sense that fathers are necessarily happy all the time (they are not), or that men who are not fathers are not happy at all (sometimes they are), but in the anecdotal proof that men who are fathers say that they are happier as that, than they would be if they were not fathers.

A key aspect of fatherhood is accepting that on some level and in many instances, you matter little. If, as a father, you can manage this without drawing too much attention to just how emasculating this may be to you, you will soon realise that in fact you have come to accept your place. Another aspect of fatherhood is that aside from having to be present, providing, affirming, jovial, and setting boundaries, as in a good comedy show, not much really happens in your life that is noteworthy.

In fact, many times, fatherhood could be perceived as equivalent to the participation of an amateur athlete in an endurance sport.

Its beginning is always doubtful and challenging, and its accomplishment a matter of pride and disbelief, none of which – for the sake of good manners or tact – must be said.

In his awkwardness at the birth of his child; his fumbling nature as he gets accustomed to the new life he has begotten; the plenitude of parental advice he will receive from others (including from those who are childless); all should be understood as a blueprint for what is truly a father’s life - the need to find satisfaction in your place! If you replace his initial clumsiness with the confidence of parenthood that a father will attain over time; the bounty of happiness as his child grows but simultaneously becomes independent of him; and the acceptance that a successful child necessarily requires the liberty of thinking and acting - there is little doubt that a typical father lives most of his initial life smiling through tears! Nonetheless, it seems to me that, at the most private and intimate level, nothing, other than fatherhood, prepares a man for the sound and silence of their homes, and for all the drama of a life lived with, and for others.

Additionally, nothing other than fatherhood introduces a man to the fleeting but immeasurable joy of growing up with his children, and the inevitability of some separation of his children from him, yonder there.

Actually, as you slowly get accustomed to fatherhood, one thing you learn is that with every child of yours, you have taken your best shot at the time you beget each one of them. You cannot predict where their lives will lead them, but with an unshakeable faith, you can only wish that they be a better version of you. Inversely, for you, as a father, with tender resignation, you can only accept that anywhere you are with your children, at any time, is your place.

Ultimately a father is representational, not abstract: thus he is prone to be in touch with the past-his- and the future-that of his children.

The dated and inappropriate stereotype of the father was that he preferred work (or friends) to his home (or family) and considered his children adorable and beautiful ones he admired from a distance, especially when they were sleeping! But this is no more.

As well as the manly adoration of a father to his child, part of his appeal must be the tenderness of his presence; the gentleness of his discipline; his energetic play with his child; the bluntness of his appraisal of others; and the genius of his mind, inviting his child to think more and to be less restrained. In any case, a father is also a man who has a lot to express to his children but is likely to say as little as he can manage.

If we see, as we must in these days of selfies, a father as homo beneficium – the dutiful man who serves his family diligently – as we saw above, he appears as the unlikeliest hero.

Despite everything though, fathers often embark on their own journey and relevance in life. Sometimes that journey is as light as a cyclist’s cadences, pedaling for some moments in the zero gravity of forward movement to his destination - indeed, his place. At other times, that journey is as heavy as making a steep ascent to successful child bearing on the soles of his cycling shoes.

Anyhow you consider it, it then becomes clear that for it to exist and hold meaning, a father’s love for his child does not have to be loud or spoken, or even reciprocated. All that it requires is to be plain and honest. In any case, the more a father gives of himself, the more he knows who he is.

The more that a father underrates his utility to others, the more he becomes indispensable to them. And the longer a father lives, the longer he is living for others. Few, I contend, understand the majesty of unacknowledged duty, as fathers do.

Happy Father’s Day!

*Radipati is a regular Mmegi contributor