Invest in meaningful friendships

Kevin Mokento | Monday July 18, 2022 06:00

It seems as if they have it all together. Are they in a good place though? Or are they going through a fleeting moment of illusion, which they mistakenly consider as a near-perfect kumbaya friendship?

Unbeknown to them, is their bubble about to burst? Are they likely to discover that their so-called friends are not exactly the golden slivers of sunshine poking through a cloudy sky?

What has happened to your friendships over the last few years, particularly the pandemic-riddled years? While some of our friends retained their jobs and easily sailed through the pandemic, sadly others were on furlough and many others lost their jobs. Whether we are doing well or not, we all need friends.

In troubled times, these are the people who will always have our back and would consistently serve as that all-important stabiliser in our life. They would help us to humble ourselves. To appreciate the value of not taking ourselves too seriously.

And without trying too hard, through their excoriating but jaw-droppingly ticklish humour, they would prompt us to laugh out loud at ourselves. And in good times, these are the people who would choke us with laughter with their exhilarating and scalpel-sharp drollery.

The fundamental premise of friendship is selflessness. Preening self-regard is destructive in nature. We cannot afford to ride the dumb hope of thinking that we can build great friendships while our motives remain impure. In his song entitled, ‘I wish I had a million friends,’ Tom T. Hall, an American musician sings, “I wish I had a million friends, I’d like to have all different sorts, one for the morning and the noon and the night...I wish I had a million friends who were thoughtful, kind and true.” Do you associate with the last three quoted words, or would you be more comfortable substituting them with the shifting sand bed of self-centred words associated with fragile friendships such as, ‘self-sufficient, deep-pocketed and extremely uncompassionate?’

The quality of friends that Tom T. Hall referred to in this song are not the sort that could be attracted with an egocentric sense of entitlement.

They are a deserved return on a well-thought-out and meaningful investment. Since negativity has never, and will never, yield any form of positivity, to end up with this high grade of friends, one needs to lay to rest bogus loyalty-ridden asset-based friendships. Specifically, friendships that are tied to material things, such as one’s wealth, job profile and social circle.

Many have suffered a hard landing at the behest of fake friendships. Physically drained and psychologically beaten by the system, heartlessly stripped of their hard-earned assets and at an unenviable place where their means of generating revenue is severely compromised and the little income they make is inconsiderately garnished, they would face the rude shock of suddenly finding themselves friendless.

Never in a month of Sundays would they ever have imagined that their former friends would avoid them at all costs and would opt to churlishly make it their life’s mission not to associate closely with people going through hard times. That they would be conveniently labeled failures whose life has lost touch with reality. That they would be dismissed as lost souls who are inanely veering towards the chaotic focus-bereft lane.

Rather than choose to help friends who are going through hard times, in their limited and self-seeking wisdom, they would succumb to hubris and decidedly ditch their friends. They would also routinely and proudly ignore their text and email messages, voice notes and calls. Suddenly, persons who used to be ‘close friends’ would be snubbed as dislikeable and disgusting social pariahs who have lost all claim to social value.

This raises the question; why do we need friends? The answer is embedded in this Arabian proverb, which is intriguing in its definition of a friend, “A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one’s heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.” Does this sound like someone who would leave you in the lurch during your time of need?

During these dark times, for which we have limited, if any, control, we are failing in our attempt to dodge all the curve balls that this system consistently and mercilessly flings at us, such as inflation, stagflation, shrinkflation, loss of jobs, retrenchment-beckoning rationalisation of parastatals, and pandemics. I would say, more than ever before, we all need friends. And I would go a step further to say, genuine friends. Not materialistically inclined friendship-wreckers whose friendship is qualified with selfish attributes and always a finger-snap away from rupturing.

The allure of true friendships lies in the longevity of such relationships, particularly during trying moments, when genuine friends are motivated to gladly respond to the self-sacrificing call of looking beyond satisfying the selfish desires of number one.

With this in mind, we need to find ways of attracting the right people into our space and proactively bullet-proofing such relationships. Granted, it is easier said than done. But it is doable. It all starts with a selfless view of friendship.

Where the focus shifts from the inward-looking what do I stand to benefit from this relationship to a more fulfilling and outward-looking selfish-free view associating with meeting the needs and addressing the concerns of our friends.

In the spirit of that transformative shift, we need to frequently step outside ourselves and with all sincerity tackle the question, what can I do to have a positive and upbuilding impact on the life trajectories of the individuals I wish to befriend.

In simple terms, we must be humble, and in all our friendships, happily let egomania yield to magnanimity in building meaningful and lasting connections.

Ordinarily, because of our imperfection, from time to time, we will make the wrong choices regarding friends. A periodic and objective assessment of our friends will help us to identify their strengths and weaknesses and boldly take the informed stance of cutting and running from shallow and toxic relationships. If we choose to follow this approach, we must not give up on building strong and meaningful friendships.

If we are patient and passionately demonstrate the will to be a good friend, we would chin-up and avoid making the same mistake, and would hopefully open up, attract the right calibre of people into our space, and nurture genuine friendships that are devoid of the crippling snare of materialism and egocentrism. At this point of our sine-curved-life, like me, you may have recognised that, as the British actress named Audrey Hepburn aptly expressed it, “You have two hands, one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.” This, I believe, remains the pinnacle of virtue in all good friendships. May we all invest in meaningful relationships.