Test all athletes

Thulaganyo Jankey | Tuesday July 19, 2022 06:00

As an athlete any animal, plant and drug on that list gives one some superhero powers and can at the very extreme make your legs grow some wings. Well, something like that where you suddenly now develop an ability to outsprint everyone.

Some American athlete with very long nails that look like they have never met a nail clipper in their life and funny outfits was banned prior to the previous Olympics. Shacarri Richardson she is called.

Her sin; smoking pot or what is sometimes referred to as the devil’s lettuce or marijuana. Now marijuana does not necessarily make one faster or develop wings of any sort but it makes it difficult to detect whether one has ingested wing-forming drugs. It is what is called a masking agent.

In the local game players routinely take this holy herb and in a dizzy stupor lose games to opponents but it is allowed. Well, sort off because dressing rooms could be reeking of the herb and the referee would still want to get on with the game. So why would you ban a person who most probably has dizzy spells much worse than a moth fluttering around a flame.

We have already had two marathons this year where half of the country turned up to try to win the coveted prize. A marathon is one of those events that produces instant athletes. The mix of participants was very interesting. My neighbour was in there.

The closest she had been to athletics was cheering Nijel Amos to an Olympic medal. A posse of my friends was spotted posing on social media at the starting point but never actually made it to the finish line (there were no photos to validate same).

I thought I also spotted some rehab customers trying to integrate into society by participating in a national event. Most participants were as useless as a solar-powered flashlight but the participation in a marathon is a true triumph of the human spirit.

Most of the participants had the previous night eaten all sorts of food that potentially contain banned substances. African animals and plants are very potent and I suspect their meat contains substances that are on the banned list.

This is why African athletes are always getting banned for doping violations. Anabolic steroids are not our thing but we do have lots of plant extracts that have extraordinary powers.

Every citizen has at one point picked up a 2litre bottle containing a maroonish liquid around the Dibete area. This liquid has powers to improve one’s bedroom competence. Imagine what it would do to an athlete running a marathon.

People participated after having consumed large amounts of ting, which is a fermented form of sorghum meal that is usually made in an Oreo tumbler after the ice cream has trickled down the family alimentary canal. Women always use Oreo tumblers to prepare this and I think it is their revenge for men who are serial sinners.

Imagine the pain of reaching for the tumbler thinking you are getting Oreo ice cream only to be met by a fermenting mixture. This fermented mixture has its origins in Mochudi.

I sort of expected to see WADA officials with little clipboards and little vials that are used to collect urine samples. Granted, due to the reset situation they might well have been using sophisticated contraptions that the President said will no longer have a ‘no network’ situation.

So, yes, perhaps they could have been using little tech contraptions instead of the clipboard but there is no tech equivalent for urine vials as far as I know. All the marathoners should be tested for banned substance. This would ensure fairer marathons.

If WADA, the world anti-doping agency couldn’t make it one would have expected BADA, the Botswana version to be there testing everyone. If BADA does not exist, then it must as a matter of urgency be formed to deal with marathoners high on ting and Dibete concoctions. Poor Nijel Amos now seems to have been made the fall guy when half the population seems to be fueled by suspicious concoctions. (For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com)