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Thulaganyo Jankey | Tuesday June 6, 2023 06:00

There was a sense of menace in their criticism, like the purr of a lion feasting on an impala. The cynics smelt political gimmickry.

The cynics smelt corruption. The cynics smelt bull dust if you would excuse the pun. The arrival of the bulls and heifers from the United States of America agitated everyone into argument mode.

Usually local arguments assume political lines. That is the ruling and the opposition. When they arrived they looked like a sunrise, extravagant and full of promise. Cynical locals, though, said ‘nah we have these here locally’.

There was a huge crowd to welcome them, many of them unreluctant public officers on a paycheck. I am sure the celebrity animals were all flattered to receive so much attention. Locals are more used to welcoming beauty queens, athletes, sports teams and celebrities at the airport and this was a first.

The idea of waving at an animal is stuff for the Weird and Wacky World but there we were just trying to make it work. How do you wave at something that cannot acknowledge your wave? Not even with a moo! Obviously events and projects like these can never be without incident. We hear one of the bulls refused to get on the plane because in its head it couldn’t trade USA for Africa.

I think it was sharply aware that human traffic is mostly Africa to USA and not the other way round. So what did it do? It faked an illness and also claimed it is petrified of flying though the latter will not be given as the official reason it could not get on the flight with the others. But his brave colleagues decided to do the trans-atlantic voyage to allegedly improve things this side.

Later on these eminent beasts were transported to Ramatlabama with an escort more massive than that of Yoweri Museveni after declaring that homosexuality is illegal in Uganda. This was mainly to ensure that the drivers do not make pitstops in places like Pitsane where there is a real possibility of a local drunk high on Modaefoko playfully opening the truck door and letting the cattle bolt into the bushes. For the confused lot we pieced together the benefits through listening to experts and chancers on radio and WhatsApp.

Radio is where the experts are and WhatsApp voice notes are where the chancers have a field day. There were lots of theories to explain how they will benefit the locals. Even those that didn’t have livestock could apparently buy the procreation mix and ask a kind friend with a cow to let you grow the embryo in there. Later you can come and take the resultant calf and buy your friend a bottle of Hennesy which is the official farmer’s drink. Still, doubts jumped many like muggers in the darkness.

The upside for most of the farmers who are still trying to understand how this will work is that there will be more trouble for cattle rustlers. The Minister of Justice was captured in one of the news channel in his beautiful Italian suit notifying residents – mostly dispossessed of their cattle by rustlers – that they are working on a bill to make it harder to get bail for stock theft. You cannot steal a bull form Texas and be seen walking the streets like you are some kind of celebrity.

Stealing a bull from Texas is very serious and could and should be right at the level of treason. So very soon we will be getting something like a Texas Bull Bill. I think the bill will sway more towards the imported cattle but the spinoff is that it will remove the rustler from the streets or farms and allow livestock numbers to improve while he is incarcerated. This will be one of those interesting laws. (For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com) Thulaganyo Jankey is a training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email ultimaxtraining@gmail.com.