Miss World – A Farcical Blonde Contest

Thulaganyo Jankey | Tuesday March 19, 2024 06:00

I earned my spot on the judges table after passing through a strict screening procedure that had two questions.

1. Have you stayed in GC? 2. Do you have a dinner belt?

The answer to these questions was 'Yes' and I was in. In case you are wondering, dinner belts were a big thing then and in some faraway place having staged in GC is a big deal. I had never judged a beauty contest before but it was easier then because they hadn't coined the 'beauty with brains' dimension and so all I had to do was pick out the prettiest. Usually in a village the prettiest were expected to be teachers’ kids, the Village Development Committee (VDC) chairman's kid, the local Chief’s kid, the councillor’s daughter. Basically kids of the more eminent village folk. So, yes, there was a dicey issue of ensuring these got a podium finish somewhat. Even then there was always a question to answer. The questions were merely to see if the contestants can respond to a question in English with people watching.

The answer had absolutely no bearing on who would take the crown. So you could have a single digit IQ and answer the question like a blonde and still win. So, last week I was hit by a feeling of deja vu when our own Lesego Chombo wowed the world in a Miss World contest somewhere in the Orient. When it comes to beauty contests, the level of seriousness just shoots up. There are only three things that Botswana takes seriously and that is beauty contests, foot and mouth disease and defending errant political leaders. So we pulled out our very best to show the world we are more serious than cancer when it comes to beauty contests. Our representative was coming on nicely until a very ‘helpful’ director of ceremony had the temerity to fix her hair because her hair was misaligned or something like that.

I personally cannot tell when a hairstyle is off unless of course if the hair has what is traditionally called ‘growth’. Many males only know this as they are usually the ones financing the women to reverse the ‘growth’. So I was taken aback by the director of ceremonies’ unnecessary generosity. And so were many locals who immediately pulled out the ‘Act Your Wage’ signs. She was being paid mighty well to direct proceedings and her hair policing abilities did not form part of her job. Chombo lost. The decision sent two million people into a collective fit of rage.

This though was seemingly a blonde contest because only blondes made the podium. Lesego didn't have the hair colour and any hopes that she was a closet blonde were roundly quashed when she brilliantly answered the question. Blondes don’t usually answer anything brilliantly. Am I a sore loser? Of course I am and the whole country is. And the country next to us. And the country next to the country next to us. Basically the whole of Africa and half the world is ‘urined’ off. We have won what is called Miss World Africa, a token.

We’re honestly not sure if that’s meant as a serious achievement or not. It’s kind of like giving someone leftover cookies as a gift. At this point, we are pondering our next move. Some are saying we should cease competing in such contests because they are skewed towards the West.

Others are mooting a powerful delegation led by the self-declared uncle of the nation (complete with his doek) to confront whoever has to be confronted. I want to be a part of that delegation if only to enjoy the free plane ride.

(For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com) Thulaganyo Jankey is a Rapporteur and training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email ultimaxtraining@gmail.com