The Zim Commandments

| Friday January 24, 2014 15:34

Thou shalt have no other comrades before or after me. Thou shalt not make graven images or likeness of anything that is not me in my thick glasses and Hitler moustache, except when I ask you to print one billion Zim Dollar notes for shopping abroad with my young and impressionable wife.

Thou shalt not bow down thyself to any image in heaven above or that is in the earth beneath, nor in the waters under, and certainly not at the foot of waterfalls named after a white imperialist and colonialist queen of England.

Thou shalt not bow down or serve any imperialist, colonialist, neo-colonialist, communist, capitalist agents, for they are all reactionaries against the legitimate struggle of all Zimbabweans.

I am a jealous comrade, husband and president with a young and pretty wife, visiting shopping meccas of the world and countries and organisations of only those that do not hate me. All the others I will visit with iniquities of the 3rd, 4th, and 5th Brigades for generations to come.

But I will show mercy unto thousands of them that love me by farming out land and re-distributing farms, mines, party and cabinet posts in the name of Chimurenga!

Thou shalt not take the name of thy comrade president in vain.

Remember my birthday. I am heading for 90, so keep it holy! Mandela has gone, so it’s a lonely place this old age.

Everyday thou shalt labour on barren lands to make ends meet. But on that day, thou shalt wave little flags and eat bread, maybe a little cake too, if the black market price is right. Otherwise I shall adjust the supermarket price on the Sabbath.

Honour thy father and mother that thy days will be longer, but tell them also to vote for me so that their lives may be longer than their days, and they should have no fear of crossing borders illegally.

Thou shalt not kill in the name of the Lord. Only in the name of freedom!

Thou shalt not commit adultery; I have a young wife, so adulterous bishops and ministers beware.

Thou shalt not steal anything except votes.

Thou shalt have to bear false witness against thy neighbour if he supports the opposition. Or if he is a small country called Botswana

Feel free to covet thy white neighbour’s farm, his wife, his ox, his ass, his goat and chicken and anything that is in thy neighbour’s country. Bring it here!

All the people saw the thunderings and lightnings and smoking shacks and necklacings and murderings and lootings in Harare and in South Africa’s townships.

 And when the SADC leaders saw it, they removed and stood far off in the diplomacy of their silence.

But when one Thabo Mbeki saw all this, he held Mugabe’s bloody hand and whispered: “There is no crisis in Zimbabwe!”