Oh laptop, where art thou?

Keletso Thobega | Thursday February 6, 2014 07:27

I’m stressed. I have been quietly searching for a particular laptop, to no avail. I will be doomed if the contents are revealed. Forget those financially troubled folk who are knee-deep in debt...the types who don’t answer their phones, are always ducking and diving and walk facing the ground perhaps hoping they will pick up money; looking worn because of poverty, struggle and the turmoil that comes with being broke is playing havoc with them. My problems are bigger! I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep since that laptop went missing. I can’t even enjoy my meals. It’s not really the laptop I need but the video in the laptop that’s causing me sleepless nights. You see, a former lover had saved a raunchy porn video we filmed sometime ago on this laptop. Unfortunately, some thug broke into their house and fled with the laptop. Bloody idiot!

Imagine what would happen if that video landed in the wrong hands! Firstly, it might end up in the possession of some broke scoundrel who will blackmail me for endless amounts of cash. It might even be uploaded online. I can bet it will go viral. My little dirty secrets will be revealed. Imagine my butt, boobies, spilling girth, love handles and stretch-marks, exposed to the whole world. I will be seen in the most compromising positions, writhing and gnashing like a beast, plummeting the pillows and my face being contorted into weird orgasmic facial expressions as if I’m sucking a lemon. 

I would be the real talk of the town. The gossipers of this country would have me for breakfast, lunch and supper!

Those bitter sex-starved folk will criticize and call me names instead of just admitting that they wish it were them, doing it freely like they are doing it for television....

I would also receive dodgy mail from places like sondeza.com and playboy, with a proposal for a special feature. The fools who have made it their business to be my enemies will have a field day celebrating my exposure. The losers will say crude things like: We told you that she’s bad news. Even the scrubs who have always wanted to “taste” me but I refused, will have something to say. They will sit around and talk rubbish. Others will add “spice”. You know how excitable some people get when they are in the midst of chattering. It will go: 

Exhibit one: Gatwe she was moaning like a hungry Chihuahua, did you hear? 

Exhibit two: Heela, I heard. Apparently she was wearing a leopard print thong!

Exhibit three: Wareng...leopard print?!

Exhibit two: Ee, panty ya lengau, ntsalaka!

Exhibit one: The other one was mounting her like a rhino!

Exhibit two: No, ware rhino, an elephant... 

(Enters another one, Exhibit four): Are you talking about poaching? 

Exhibit one: Ware poaching, we are talking about the porn video in the laptop that apparently developed legs.

Exhibit four: Oh yes, that video with so-and-so.  I heard she was squatting at one point. 

Exhibit one: Ijoo, squatting?!

Exhibit four: Yes, akere you know there’s a position called ‘Taxi to Soweto’? Ene she was doing ‘Jogging to Serowe’...or is it ‘Frogging to Serowe’. 

-All break into raucous laughter-

Exhibit one: Hey, you children have no manners. This is a sensitive issue... 

Exhibit three: Utlwa ke e sha gore!

Exhibit two: Tleke Serowe, nna I also heard she plays for the other team...

Exhibit four: Heedu, so she fondles her kind? What a shameful waste!

Exhibit two: Hey, don’t say you heard from me. I don’t want to get into trouble!

Exhibit one: But she looks so innocent...I didn’t think she does such things*claps once*

So you see, I don’t want to subject to being gossip fodder and be humiliated. The dirty things I do behind closed doors should remain for my enjoyment and consumption. I don’t want a situation where I walk in and people clear their throats or stifle giggles. 

I might be forced to move to Malawi and join a ‘bushiri’ church, or find a generous well-endowed Nigerian man and relocate back to Sunnyside in Pretoria. I definitely won’t continue living here. Do you remember that bank employee whose naked pictures were circulated by a jilted bitter ex-lover? She apparently moved to the UK. One cannot continue living here after such an expose. I trust that you now understand how “deep” my problem is. I promise won’t kill anyone for the laptop, but if you get your hands on it, please return it, ASAP!