Welcome to Idiotville

Thulaganyo Jankie | Monday January 11, 2021 15:42

Idiotville stretches from Zimbabwe, through Botswana and right up to South Africa. I reside in one of these countries that make up Idiotville. Zimbabwe is North Idiotville, Botswana Central and South Africa south. This is pretty obvious to many but for some Geography was too wide a bridge to cross and this clarity will come in handy.

Idiotville residents despite the myriad of warnings on TV, radio, newspapers, bulletin boards, shop windows, vehicle windows, street poles and donkey bellies seem to have tofu stuck in their ears.

The covid-19 dangers seem to be a distant rumour in Idiotville. More than half the population view these protocols as state machinery’s attempt to suppress and curtail civil liberties. You can explain the dangers of covid-19 to Idiotvillers until you're blue in the face, but they'll just look at you with the same blank, uncomprehending expression that appeared on one politician’s face when somebody asked him a tricky question like whether they will cross the floor. Let’s start with Northern Idiotville. Here the longest queue known to mankind formed up at Beit Bridge. For the purposes of clarity let us define mankind as mankind in Idiotville. Otherwise I might have to deal with all sorts of lawsuits. With all sorts of signs like ‘Keep a social distance of 1m’, ‘Put on a mask’ etc screaming at the residents Northern Idiotvillers congregated into one huge blob around the border and breached covid-19 protocols willy nilly.

They actually seemed to be daring covid-19. Like ‘come and get me’. In Central Idiotville when the president passes a law the residents somehow think they can persuade a law enforcement officer to revoke it. The difference between a lawmaker and a law-enforcer seems to be lost to the citizens. When a 7pm to 4am curfew was declared a whole posse of residents were on the streets after the 7pm deadline. There was a whole mass of people trying to convince bewildered police officers that they have very good reasons for being out during curfew.

It must be very funny manning a police roadblock. The types of reasons motorists give to ward off a charge are at best hilarious. Here are some of them from a yet to be published Motorists Excuses: A Police Officer’s Funny Moment

• There was a bee in the car. I was driving faster than it could fly

• I was speeding because my haemorrhoids bother me when I sit

• I'm more sober than my friends, so I am driving them home

• Everyone else was speeding

• The mechanic told me that he put too much oil in the engine and I have to drive really fast to burn the extra oil In the midst of all this the officer must keep a stony face and not laugh and somehow get on with the job.

South Idiotville is a place where people’s thirst for the holy waters transcends all reasonable thought. When there is a lockdown the citizenry gather together and decide to attack liquor outlets and help themselves to free alcohol. In South Idiotville the citizenry believes covid-19’s potency is inversely proportional to the hunt for alcohol to pacify parched throats. That is, if the thirst is high, the covid-19 potency is reduced.

This is not steeped on any empirical scientific evidence but more on citizen’s interest. These are situations when you realise that some people’s heads are actually backup copies of their butts. Perhaps one day Idiotville will wake up from its slumber when something as serious as a weather bother happens along. You know, when suddenly Sea Level is the same height as your refrigerator, and you find yourself crouching on your roof, surrounded by water, with every pit bull in the neighbourhood swimming furiously your way.

I have no wish for this to happen and only wish we get the Chalane type which was truly a damp squib after the weatherman had forecasted a fury of collosal dimensions. But Idiotvillers truly need to be shaken from their reverie.

With each passing year January turns a darker shade of blue. This year it is right at the navy shade and if this corona doesn’t let up and the residents of Idiotville continue in this vein trust January 2022 to cross over to pitch black.

(For comments, feedback and insults email inkspills1969@gmail.com)