I live with my daughter after the Court of Law granted me the child's custody. I have observed a sense of deep sadness and loneliness from my daughter and longing for our parental love and care.
It is like we have shifted the attention from her and now focusing on our “sorry lives”. I desire that my daughter one day may have a family and believe in the institution of marriage, but unfortunately I do not think she will see life from such a positive stature. I say this because she has never witnessed any joy between my ex- wife and I. My daughter is now six (6) years old and she speaks very heart breaking words that she wants to buy a new mommy. At times, she talks about how our surname is different from her mother’s.
I am scared that she may be traumatised by this experience and it may make her perception bitter towards love and marriage, how do I turn this situation around? Yours Anonymous Dear Anonymous, I am so sorry about this painful experiences you are challenged with. I do appreciate that life is vast and so many things or uncertainties may befall us. Divorce is no exception. Everyone is prone to fall into the same pit. Therefore, it is not something alien that has happened to you. It is unfortunate that both of you are very selfish and so self- centred because it seem like you have muted other key components of your live and that is your daughter. Is she the reason why you broke up with her mother? What did she contribute to the painful course that you and your former spouse endured? Why then should she suffer for the sins afar from her? It is a beautiful thing that you have identified this threat before it could exacerbate and ruin a possibility of a bright future as far as marriage is concerned.
Like you uttered, it your relationship that can mould her character therefore you must engage your elders and/ or social welfare officers to mediate and remedy the situation. In all honesty, you have both failed as a couple, but you still have a chance to be the best parents to her. Put all your differences aside and now embrace the fact that you brought a life that needs happiness, care, love and peace and you are both the well she should drink from. Start calling her mother with matters affecting the daughter only not your personal issues. The child also deserves to live harmoniously and enjoy your parenthood. #ColoringSouls
Dear Coach, I was in a very abusive marriage until my husband passed away about eight years ago. We have two boys together whom, unfortunately, had witnessed how their father treated me. They were full of anger towards their father and his ill- treatment. Not that I wished death on him, I started living after he died but I see traits of my husband’s behaviour on my elder son. I was called a few weeks ago at the police station after he was arrested for assaulting his partner over a very minor incident. I sometimes feel that it is the only legacy they are pursuing of their father (bluffing). But the bottom line is that, I do not condone such a behaviour. I wish not for them to be like that man. Why can’t they be different from him? I am even scared of them though we live under the same roof. I do not know how to open up to them and address issues like these because I feel that they would think that somehow I am judging them. How do I win my young fruits to be the sweetest in the tree rather than the bitter they taste? Please help me Coach. Yours, Anonymous
Dear Anonymous, My sincerest emphatic sense sits with you. I know it feels like your past is re- living again and the worst nightmare is that now you see it through your own flesh and blood. Yes, when children grow up, they learn our ways. No parent sits with they children and share on what life is all about. Our children learn through our actions. So whatever we do as parents, it is certified to be ideal in the back of their consciousness. Norms and culture are never written down, we adopt from ours and others experiences. Your son needs help since you have identified the anger that he possesses. Anger is very seismic and he can ultimately do the unexpected. Lack of openness, especially from you, make the situation more worst than it should be. Just be courageous and speak out your experience to them. They must understand how much pain you have endured and they should ask themselves if it is the pain that they would be known for the rest of their lives. Please visit social workers in your vicinity and seek help whilst there is a change to change his behaviour to the positive. All the best. Kealeboga Ronald Ngwigwa is the Founder and Director of Coloring Souls Coaching. A company advocating for MIND-SET CHANGE. For team building exercise bookings contact +267 72 522 213/ +267 71 830 584 or email [email protected] for quotations.
