So my instalment today will obviously get challenged by a Facebook-crazed keyboard corporal. The whole day we argue with people with attitude colder than a polar bear’s nipple on social media. We see dumb people everywhere. They’re all over the place. I am pretty sure that the internet is where they both come from and live. For every snappy and quick-witted poster online, there are at least a few 100, 000 people that get confused just from waking up in the morning. Nobody’s sure how they get access to a computer, but they do and we’re stuck with all the silly thoughts from their fingers and butts (brains will be pushing it). I remember one time my neighbour asked me for bread and gave me attitude because according to her it was an inferior brand. I refused to give her the bread loaf and now our altercation is on a neighbourhood WhatsApp group. It is true we are living in the stupidest timeline in history.
The universe, though, has a way of balancing scales and karma was setting its sights on her. I am talking the white hot glare of karma. So far her place has been frequented by about three deputy sheriffs with clipboards and pens and mean faces. Anyway, on to my story for the week. December salary is the most hardworking salary and over the years it has been stretched to ribbons by demands on it. That December salary will be moving so much stone in both January and December it would feel like a Palestinian guy looking for his wife. Think about it. Using just one salary you have to go for a December holiday. Citizens nowadays have decided their lives are not worthwhile if they don’t throw in a holiday to either South Africa or Namibia in Namibia. After the holiday there’s the constitutional visit to the village to check grannies and relatives.
So using the same salary you have to buy food and gifts for the village folk. Not only that. Your visit to the village drink-hole means you will encounter one cohort that has failed to make it in their miserable lives and survive by calling people with a little stash of money ‘white men’. Calling you a ‘white man’ is the ammunition they use to make you buy them a quart – they always drink their beer in quarts. Most employed guys at first get this warm fuzzy feeling when they are called ‘white man’ and loosen the purse strings but it dissipates as the wallet gets thinner. When this happens they start questioning the quarts guys why they are not trying to improve themselves and get jobs. Some kind employers pitied the shift that the December salary puts out and decided they could not see one salary suffer alone and offered a 13th cheque to the gleeful employees. But somehow COVID-19 and the economic meltdown has meant that this cheque has now disappeared from the payment advice slip much to the annoyance of the bewildered employees.
The average person does not realise how much they have to stretch the December salary and gets surprised when January rolls by and their fridges look like abandoned buildings. Most fridges around this time work less as their work is confined to chilling water in a recycled 2ltr coke bottle or a plastic milk bottle. By the way, what happened to those normal fridge bottles? The festive season is a crazy time of the year so there is bound to be hiccups. That’s why it helps to be creative and open to improvising. That way, when the disappointment comes trying to wreck your ship, you’ve got a backup to keep you afloat. The school fees, the groceries, the school uniform will be standing in front of you in a towering heap come January. And of course the machonisa guy will be looking at you with that ‘come to mummy and I will fix you your favourite meal’ look. Alas!
(For comments, feedback and insults email [email protected]) Thulaganyo Jankey is a Rapporteur and training consultant who runs his own training consultancy that provides training in BQA- accredited courses. His other services include registering consultancies with BQA and developing training courses. Contact him on 74447920 or email [email protected].
