Dear Anonymous
Companionship is one of the perks of a healthy union. When we consistently feel lonely albeit being surrounded by love, the following could possibly be at play
• Poor communication - When employed effectively, communication aids us to understand and be understood by our partners. It fosters intimacy of thought and mind. It is impossible to know our partners and be known by them without unbroken communication. Sometimes we expect our partners to read our minds and understand us without us uttering a word. Nevertheless, this is risky as most times it backfires against us. It is vital that we pinpoint our needs and wants to our consanguinity with clarity and precision.
• Winter - There are diverse seasons in marriage namely winter, spring, summer and autumn. Summer is when it is hot and parties are in the honeymoon stage yet again. During this season, lovers communicate easily in their union without much effort. Spring represents hope whilst autumn is harvest time. Winter is when it’s cold, married persons may be individually or collectively going through stormy waters. They may hibernate from the world and each other in an effort to hew sense out of the season. Even when spending time with each other, they may not be as open and enthusiastic as usual. At this epoch, communication can naturally die if it is not purposefully cultivated. Parties are therefore most likely to feel lonely in winter if they do not create warmth to pacify the iciness of winter. The seasons of marriage can replicate themselves multiple times in a year or years contrary to the weather seasons. Winter may, however, last for ages in holy matrimony where there is no fire of warmth from either or both parties to quell the coldness of the season.
• Quality time - It is not just enough for lovers to religiously spend time together. The quality of the time spent mutually also matters. If you spend time collectively with miniscule focus on each other, there’s most likely going to emerge a lacuna in communication giving birth to loneliness. Quality time also entails making ourselves vulnerable to our partners if the moment demands. Though our vulnerabilities can be used against us in relationships, love commonly thrives when we reciprocally and freely share our deepest thoughts, fears, pain, wishes, successes, dreams as and when it is germane. Without letting our sweethearts into our mental faculties and heart of hearts, they will most likely know and comprehend us prima facie or superficially, which will possibly birth loneliness.
• Unrealistic expectations - Whenever we have unworkable expectations of others, we set ourselves up for disappointment, peril and even loneliness at times. Even the most compatible partners in all areas of life have incompatibilities that may never change or change completely. Realising that even if we are congruent with our partners, it is acceptable for them to stumble in fulfilling our needs and wants at times frees us from unrealistic expectations in a romance. No human being can fathom us completely all the time except God. Having platonic relationships that can satiate aspects of your life that your partner may not be able to wholly fill can also help. Abdicating our sense of happiness totally to our sweethearts also places impractical expectations on them. Regardless of how much you love each other and make each other’s hearts rapture with joy in a union, there is a certain level of peace that only domiciles our souls when we exercise emotional mastery at an individual level. Life becomes much easier to traverse when we are our primary sources of happiness and consider relationships as a secondary source. When we share each other’s’ pain at times, make ourselves vulnerable to our partners and still shoulder the primary responsibility to present ourselves happy to our partners, the script of love is enriched and loneliness is most likely to flee.
• Existential loneliness - When we are surrounded by love and still feel lonely frequently, it could be existential loneliness. Existential loneliness arises when we lack meaning about our lives; when we have deep questions that we sometimes find hard to articulate; points at issue that question our existence, purpose and meaning of life. We may be wondering; why are we alive? Why were we born on our year of birth? Why we come from our family and country of origin? What is the meaning of life? Why were we born male and not female? What is the true meaning of happiness and fulfillment? Why do we have our weaknesses and strengths? etc. Some schools of thought proffer that life is meaningless and that we are the ones to grant it meaning. Other scholars propound that we can never truly know the meaning of life until we know our Maker and His purpose for our lives. It is for each thirsty soul that pangs for meaning in life to locate it. Oftentimes, existential loneliness is a precursor to spiritual awakening and new heights of personal growth.
• Reality stage - When the honeymoon stage of a new relationship or marriage wears off, the reality stage sets in. Parties may find themselves learning and adjusting to each other at different intensities. Without a comprehension of this period, lovers may find themselves at loggerheads with each other even if they do not express it. The relationship between lovers may just remain mechanical without any fire or delight. When romance has become mechanical, marital responsibilities and other life accountabilities may either by intent or default consume the spouses so much that they rarely or never focus on each other with absoluteness. This may consequently breed loneliness in a romance. If the spouses do not calculatedly fire up their union and shift their thinking to adjust to the different intensity of holy matrimony after at the reality stage, loneliness may be rampant.
Conclusively, if the above pointers have not illuminated your faculties and bequeathed answers to the predicament of loneliness, therapy may perhaps be the best answer for you.
Gaone Monau is an attorney and motivational speaker on the areas of confidence building, stress management, relationships, self-discovery, gender-based violence and other specific areas of the law. For bookings, motivational talks, questions or comments on the aforesaid areas contact +26774542732 or [email protected]. Her Facebook page is Be Motivated with Gaone. She will be hosting a webinar on Microsoft Teams. Dates: June 3-5, 2022 from 9am-12.30 pm. Are you losing relationships because of being too clingy? Do you keep on attracting the same type of toxic partners in different bodies? Do you want a healthy relationship with a reasonable partner? If your answer is in the affirmative, then register for our Webinar on; Attachment styles and Compatibility in a relationship, The law on Emotional Abuse in Botswana; Legal remedies for emotional abuse in Botswana; non litigatory remedies for emotional abuse; Habits that foster healthy love relationships. Registration fee to attend a Webinar on any of the three dates stipulated above is P1,500 per person. For more information email [email protected] or contact 74542732.
