In the said book men are referred to as Martians whilst women are referred to as Venusians. In my humble view, the views asserted in Gray’s book hold true for quite a number of males and females, hence they are worth sharing. When a Martian gets upset, he never talks about what is bothering him. He would never burden another Martian with his problem unless his friend’s assistance was necessary to solve the problem. Instead, he becomes very quiet and goes to his private cave to think about his problem, mulling it over to find a solution. When he has found a solution, he feels much better and comes out of his cave. If he can’t find a solution then he does something to forget his problems, like reading the news or playing a game. By disengaging his mind from the problems of his day, gradually he can relax.
If his stress is really great it takes getting involved with something even more challenging, like racing his car, competing in a contest, or climbing a mountain. To feel better, Martians go to their caves to solve problems alone. When a Venusian becomes upset or is stressed by her day, to find relief, she seeks out someone she trusts and then talks in great detail about the problems of her day. When Venusians share feelings of being overwhelmed, they suddenly feel better. This is the Venusian way. To feel better, Venusians get together and openly talk about their problems. On Venus, sharing your problems with another actually is considered a sign of love and trust and not a burden. Venusians are not ashamed of having problems. Their egos are dependent not on looking “competent” but rather on being in loving relationships. They openly share feelings of being overwhelmed, confused, hopeless, and exhausted. A Venusian feels good about herself when she has loving friends with whom to share her feelings and problems. A Martian feels good when he can solve his problems on his own in his cave.
These secrets of feeling good are still applicable today. FINDING RELIEF IN THE CAVE when a man is stressed, he will withdraw into the cave of his mind and focus on solving a problem. He generally picks the most urgent problem or the most difficult. He becomes so focused on solving this one problem that he temporarily loses awareness of everything else. Other problems and responsibilities fade into the background. At such times, he becomes increasingly distant, forgetful, unresponsive, and preoccupied in his relationships. For example, when having a conversation with him at home, it seems as if only five percent of his mind is available for the relationship while the other 95% is still at work. His full awareness is not present because he is mulling over his problem, hoping to find a solution. The more stressed he is, the more gripped by the problem he will be. At such times he is incapable of giving a woman the attention and feeling that she normally receives and certainly deserves. His mind is preoccupied, and he is powerless to release it. If, however, he can find a solution, instantly he will feel much better and come out of his cave; suddenly he is available for being in a relationship again. However, if he cannot find a solution to his problem, then he remains stuck in the cave.
To get unstuck he is drawn to solving little problems, like reading the news, watching TV, driving his car, doing physical exercise, watching a football game, playing basketball, and so forth. Any challenging activity that initially requires only five percent of his mind can assist him in forgetting his problems and becoming unstuck. Then the next day he can redirect his focus to his problem with greater success. Let’s explore in greater detail a few examples. Jim commonly uses reading the newspaper to forget his problems.
When he reads the paper, he is no longer being confronted with the problems of his day. With the five percent of his mind that is not focused on his work problems, he begins forming opinions and finding solutions for the world’s problems. Gradually his mind becomes increasingly involved with the problems in the news and he forgets his own. In this way he makes the transition from being focused on his problems at work to focusing on the many problems of the world (for which he is not directly responsible). This process releases his mind from the gripping problems of work so he can focus on his wife and family again. Tom watches a football game to release his stress and unwind. He releases his mind from trying to solve his own problems by solving the problems of his favourite team.
Through watching sports, he can vicariously feel he has solved a problem with each play. When his team scores points or wins, he enjoys the feeling of success. If his team loses, he suffers their loss as his own. In either case, however, his mind is released from the grip of his real problems. For Tom and many men, the inevitable release of tension that occurs at the completion of any sporting event, news event, or movie, provides a release from the tension he feels in his life.
• Gaone Monau is a p;racticing attorney and motivational speaker. For bookings on gender-based violence awareness seminars, motivational talks or consultations on relationships, confidence building, stress management and self-discovery contact +26774542732 or [email protected]. Her Facebook page is Be Motivated with Gaone.
